Saturday, October 29, 2011

//Fear//

Having never been pregnant before I sometimes wonder if it's a feat my body can even accomplish.  I've been successful all these years not getting pregnant, who's to say I even needed to work so hard.

Becoming pregnant was, at one point, my biggest fear. Through my teens & twenties I was very conscientious arming myself with birth control pills & condoms in my bedside table.  During my college years I had a credit card I never used just in case I should end up preggers & need to take care of business (I never used the card).

Who knew it was so hard?

//Hopeful//

We ceased all birth control methods "just to see".

Nothing.  Well, nothing except for a period or two.

This both disappointed & relieved me. I wanted to relish the final days of summer, drink too much at my cousin's wedding &... Actually, I don't think any of that is true. I'm mostly disappointed those mornings I realize I will indeed need to utilize my tampon supply for yet one more month.  I merely look at the aforementioned as a way to see the bright side.  Then I remind myself I have been given the gift of one more month to take prenatals & drink raspberry leaf tea.

So now we are in month 3 & are truly trying.  Meaning, we use ovulation predictors, are having sex almost daily (I am so sore; how did I do that when I was 17?) & I am putting my legs up (a la The Big Lebowski) after every single lovemaking session.

There is a resistance on our end to take temperatures & such, though I suppose that will be the next addition to our very discombobulated strategy for making a baby. I'm not certain what that resistance is about.  Sometimes I think it's a last ditch effort to keep our baby making lovemaking rather than manufacturing & assembly.  Other times I think it's our delusion that we are still young enough for a baby to just happen as we once feared.